Three years ago on the Sunday before Lent, I returned to Church, the Roman Catholic Church. Suffice it to say, and as clich̩ as it sounds, this decision and action changed the direction of my life. I always knew I would return to Church at some point, as I carried my faith and devotion to Christ deep in my heart, even when there was a whole mess of things covering it up Рa lamp under a bushel basket for sure (and how it pains me now to think of covering up my faith!). It was providential to return at that time. God rang loudly.
The Gospel reading for that day was from the Sunday Cycle Year A rotation (as it is every three years and was this past Sunday), and it spoke quite directly to me: “Look at the birds in the sky…” Birds too are provided for. God, the creator, the essence of life, the center of the cosmos from which all things emanate or reject, provides all that the birds, all the creatures of the world, and of course we humans need to live and survive, and without worry. Not too long ago before then, before I returned to Church and when I was not praying, I was full of dread, anxiety, and worry. I had lost jobs and worried that I would go back to my hometown of Odessa, Texas in shame, losing all I had worked hard for, but deep, deep down I knew all would work out. And it did. Now God was confirming to me His providence, saying, “see, you need not worry.”
It is ironic that I am currently in Odessa, Texas now, but of my own volition, or rather consent. The decision to begin practicing my faith again led me to discern life as an OFM (Order of Friars Minor) Franciscan friar. I was recently a postulant (first year candidate of religious formation) for five months, from August 24, 2016 to January 22, 2017, living with the friars of Holy Name Province at Holy Name College in Silver Spring, Maryland as well as with my fellow postulants. I came to realize that I was not ready to continue in formation, that I was not ready for the novitiate (the second year of formation), and that there were unresolved issues in secular life that I felt (and feel) I needed to address. So my decision to leave has led me to stay with my family in Texas for a few months, partly because the bedroom that I slept in for 10 years in New York is occupied through July, but also because of other reasons that I’ll most likely explore in later posts.
“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.’” (Matthew 16:24)
Oh, but this command that resonated with me so deeply when I became inspired with St. Francis of Assisi still echoes loudly in my mind and heart. He left everything and followed the Lord, and I wanted to as well! And still want to. I left New York, but does my path also mean that I’ll return? Does that mean staying in Texas? Or does that mean going elsewhere? Does that mean encountering and sharing my life with certain people in the given moment? Or does that mean I'll be led back into religious formation as a friar or monk? Or does it plainly mean to continue allowing the Lord transform me into His image, as we are all called to do? Those are the questions of discernment in life - continuing discernment - and in a way I still feel as if I am in postulancy.
At this moment, I do at least feel called to share my experiences, thoughts, opinions, and reflections about spirituality, music, and society. I welcome you to read along if you feel so inclined, and comment or respond as long as it is done in charity, without malice, without personal attack, and with respect. There will be plenty of things I will write that people may disagree with, or agree with, but let this be a place of civil dialogue done in charity. This is what I will do for the time being, or who knows, for the rest of my time on Earth.
My time is in your hands, Lord; I trust in You.
Peace and all good.
