Christianity & Two Gods

It is becoming clearer that Christians worship either one God or another: The God of Punishment or the God of Love.

Can there be punishment from a God of Love? Can there be love from a God of Punishment? Is it that the God of Love allows creation to experience consequences due to its actions that we humans interpret as “punishment” out of this God's highest respect for our free will? Or is it that the God of Punishment is so eager to hurt us if we partake in destructive actions, thereby causing us to live in terror, forgetting mercy and forgiveness, while also causing us to become greatly occupied with following all the rules to make ourselves "righteous" in this God's eyes but seeing only sin in others?

Who is God?

“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.” Luke 6:35

"...and give me true faith..."

Sometimes in the spiritual life you are blessed with great joy, a lasting joy which seems unending, where it seems that you have been saved permanently from that lower level, that darkness, that blindness that you once lived in, that was once your world. Light shines in you and shines upon others. It is great, you believe you might have reached a great milestone (which you have) and nothing can bring you down! You become confident in it, reliant upon it, and maybe you might even feel entitled to it, becoming subtly arrogant about it and taking it for granted. Then...

Your situation changes and you are challenged: lower energy and spirit surround you, creep in and connect with the hidden darkness that is within you causing that joy to leave. You struggle to comprehend and hold on to that joy, but it is not like before. You are aware of what's going on, and look for any expression of joy in you, but it's gone, though you don't lose hope because you know it's possible within you and you know what an incredible experience it is. You wait, suffering through this darkness and at times you begrudgingly express this darkness as it hurts you and maybe others in the process. Your joy is not yet perfect. You have been confronted with your past repression, your past fear, your past judgments, and your past outlook on life that have not been expunged yet. It is disgusting.

But you are very aware of the reality of what is happening: God has uncovered this for you, the Source of Life has opened another layer in your being and has enlightened more of the darkness in your heart. Ways of being that were once acceptable in you are no longer good for you. You must deal with it. You confront this darkness, you accept this darkness in you, you call it by name, and say, "I see you, I accept you are a part of me, and I no longer want you. Be gone!" You let it go to God. And then realizing the Most High has not left you for a second, God picks you up by your hand and invites you further along the spiritual path, perhaps leading you to truer faith.

What is your belief?

It seems these days that there is a lack of faith or a lack of belief in nearly anything – let alone anything good. There is much cynicism and pessimism in our society that all we can really see are bad outcomes. It makes sense though, because we are lied to so much, deceived, and fed fake news leaving us confused while losing our center and our hope. It is even that when we do have hope in changing our circumstances or society, some of us resort to the same behavior that the oppressors carry out, creating a cycle of animosity, hate, and vengeance - taking punishment into our own hands.

Do you believe in peace? Do you believe in kindness? Do you believe in mercy? Do you believe in joy? Do you believe in love? Can you see it in your oppressor? Can you hope for goodness in the one who does evil to you? How about yourself? Can you see those qualities in you?

In the summer of 2013, months before I came back to my faith, I wrote down a prayer that I forgot I had written:

"i miss innocence, where there is absolute faith in the good of people and how to innately treat one another with gratitude, kindness, respect, and affection...

it hurts me to see that squashed; it has pained me to see it gone in me; it upsets me greatly that i have not been this

god, please forgive me for straying from what i believe in; i want to show the good i am and have in me, to everyone i come across"

At that time, I got to the point that I recognized that I saw no innocence around me, I doubted people’s motives, and was on the point of giving into complete cynicism. I did not want to live like that, it truly did pain me, and so my instinct was to pray by writing down the yearnings of my heart. (Any yearning of the heart is a prayer.) I didn’t even know I was praying and very quickly forgot that I had done such a thing.

The prayer was answered and I was soon reminded that there is goodness, that the virtues of charity, compassion, faith, gentleness, hope, humility, joy, kindness, light, love, mercy, modesty, patience, peace, purity, security, tranquility, trust, truth, understanding, and wisdom truly do exist in and of themselves and not only that, but that one can be graced with such virtues, such spirit, such goodness. These virtues are the driving factors in my spiritual life, they are my center, and they are the way of life. All these virtues, combined in their utmost perfection, equate love, true love, Divine Love – and if we take revelation seriously, that God is love, then all these components of love, these virtues are God. Anyone can invite these aspects of love into one’s whole being, into one’s soul, and be graced with the Highest Good.

If there is anything that we humans can agree on, regardless of what faith we live or lack of faith we proclaim, we all live with the same reality: there are ways to love and ways to hate. We can choose one or the other. We can become darkness, or we can become goodness (but more often than not, we are a combination of both at any given time). The way I know and understand Christianity is that this is our task: to become goodness, to become love, to become like God. Too often many people who profess Christianity get too tied up in what others are doing or not doing, they lose site of goodness and of God. This is true no matter what faith you are, if you look for the bad in others, you will see no goodness.

So if we bemoan the way the world is going, what insult and injustice this or that person says or does to another, why don’t you just try looking to goodness itself and invite it within you? It is a way to start spreading love in the world, to give birth to love, little by little. It is our responsibility. If you want peace, if you want love, invite peace and love and become peace and love. To some it sounds too easy, cheesy, and unbelievable, but this unbelief is exactly the problem and what prevents goodness from spreading. Belief is what makes your reality real. Believe! Believe in goodness, think goodness, see goodness anywhere you can, and importantly ask for goodness. Whatever faith you are, let’s do this so we may become love for the advancement of our world.

Returning home, and then?

“Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?” (Matthew 6:26-27)


Three years ago on the Sunday before Lent, I returned to Church, the Roman Catholic Church. Suffice it to say, and as cliché as it sounds, this decision and action changed the direction of my life. I always knew I would return to Church at some point, as I carried my faith and devotion to Christ deep in my heart, even when there was a whole mess of things covering it up – a lamp under a bushel basket for sure (and how it pains me now to think of covering up my faith!).  It was providential to return at that time. God rang loudly.


The Gospel reading for that day was from the Sunday Cycle Year A rotation (as it is every three years and was this past Sunday), and it spoke quite directly to me: “Look at the birds in the sky…” Birds too are provided for. God, the creator, the essence of life, the center of the cosmos from which all things emanate or reject, provides all that the birds, all the creatures of the world, and of course we humans need to live and survive, and without worry. Not too long ago before then, before I returned to Church and when I was not praying, I was full of dread, anxiety, and worry. I had lost jobs and worried that I would go back to my hometown of Odessa, Texas in shame, losing all I had worked hard for, but deep, deep down I knew all would work out. And it did. Now God was confirming to me His providence, saying, “see, you need not worry.”



It is ironic that I am currently in Odessa, Texas now, but of my own volition, or rather consent. The decision to begin practicing my faith again led me to discern life as an OFM (Order of Friars Minor) Franciscan friar. I was recently a postulant (first year candidate of religious formation) for five months, from August 24, 2016 to January 22, 2017, living with the friars of Holy Name Province at Holy Name College in Silver Spring, Maryland as well as with my fellow postulants. I came to realize that I was not ready to continue in formation, that I was not ready for the novitiate (the second year of formation), and that there were unresolved issues in secular life that I felt (and feel) I needed to address. So my decision to leave has led me to stay with my family in Texas for a few months, partly because the bedroom that I slept in for 10 years in New York is occupied through July, but also because of other reasons that I’ll most likely explore in later posts.



“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.’” (Matthew 16:24)


Oh, but this command that resonated with me so deeply when I became inspired with St. Francis of Assisi still echoes loudly in my mind and heart. He left everything and followed the Lord, and I wanted to as well! And still want to. I left New York, but does my path also mean that I’ll return? Does that mean staying in Texas? Or does that mean going elsewhere? Does that mean encountering and sharing my life with certain people in the given moment? Or does that mean I'll be led back into religious formation as a friar or monk? Or does it plainly mean to continue allowing the Lord transform me into His image, as we are all called to do? Those are the questions of discernment in life - continuing discernment - and in a way I still feel as if I am in postulancy.


At this moment, I do at least feel called to share my experiences, thoughts, opinions, and reflections about spirituality, music, and society. I welcome you to read along if you feel so inclined, and comment or respond as long as it is done in charity, without malice, without personal attack, and with respect. There will be plenty of things I will write that people may disagree with, or agree with, but let this be a place of civil dialogue done in charity. This is what I will do for the time being, or who knows, for the rest of my time on Earth.


My time is in your hands, Lord; I trust in You.


Peace and all good.